Mafia to Fund Education Reform

April 30, 2010 (GBN News): The Mafia announced today that it would join a number of wealthy foundations in matching federal grants to fund innovations in education. A source high up in the Mafia, who spoke to GBN News on condition of anonymity because, as he put it, “It’s none of your f***ing business what my name is”, explained that they wanted to make sure they got “a piece of the action”.

Technically, the money would be funneled through the Soprano Foundation, which, like other education funders such as the Walton and Broad Foundations, furthers corporate interests through charitable donations. “There’s money to be made in education”, said the Mafia source. “If an amateur like Eva Moskowitz can make $450,000 a year by muscling out schools to make room for her people, imagine what we can do with our methods.”

Asked what credentials the Mafia has to warrant such substantial influence on education, the source appeared to mock one foundation spokesperson who claimed to have “deep expertise” in education. “We’re the ones with ‘deep expertise’”, he said. “You don’t perform, we send you deep to the bottom of the river”.

NY City Schools Chancellor Joel Klein, for one, says he is grateful for all the help he can get in these troubled financial times. “They promised me they’d ‘get rid of the f***ing ATR’s’ within a week”, he told GBN News. “The only condition was that we don’t ask how.”